Confession and Blog Hiatus
(Be forewarned: This is long.)
I’m really not getting into the rhythm of anything again. Not anything!
It’s very odd for me after 3 years of having the same schedule to not be able to fall into a routine again. What happened?? I can trace it back to when it all started to fall apart and I know the underlying cause, but it’s been over half a year. Time enough to have gotten over it, yeah?
Yet I can’t seem to. At least, I haven’t yet.
I never mentioned it before because I didn’t want to point fingers or spread blame or anything, but it can hardly matter now so long down the road.
It began with my friend at my local Y resigning her position of group fitness instructor and personal trainer/nutrionist there. I think she may still do one or two appointments a month but I doubt it. Her new job keeps her busy 26 out of 24 hours every day.
I missed her but it wasn’t that big a deal in the beginning because it allowed me to really focus on my training instead of taking out 30 minutes or whatever talking to her. At the time I was training to be a group fitness instructor and I wanted to be much more fit than I was. I had made a lot of progress and passed classes and everything.
Management (no names) kept me waiting on those classes for about a year. I talked to her around December. She had just finished a round of those same classes the month before and predicted January for the next batch of classes. So I waited. Then it was February. March. May. August.
Oh! Did she mention I had to be certified in CPR and First Aid before I could register for the class? No? Well, get that done please. So I did. Very useful refresher course for me since I hadn’t been certified since high school.
September. FINALLY! They scheduled the first class. I passed.
October for the 2nd class. Nope.
November. FINALLY! I passed again. Very good score.
I was certified to be a group fitness instructor! But I still needed to do the demo class. I told Management I was ready at any time. Nothing. I trained harder.
My friend’s last month was December. She had been hoping I could take over for her and lead her class because I had been there from the start, she had trained me to duplicate her style, and lots of people in the class knew me and liked me.
December. Management got a push (from someone other than me) and my demo class was scheduled. She said I did well but should do another demo to make sure I understood her suggestions and could incorporate them. Also, I had to mind my words because I made a joke about feeling like an “old fart” because my joints creak and I’m usually sore. I was with friends with no one else around; I would never say something like that around other people. Sure, no problem.
January. So-n-so (who was great and I’ll not speak ill of him) finished his demo and immediately jumped into the role of instructor despite not being as familiar with the class as I was. It took him a few weeks but he found his rhythm and the class was fun, though some people told me they preferred the original instructor for the most part.
I also had my 2nd demo class in January. I did well. I felt great. So-n-so later told my friend that he thought I did a great job and that I was ready. He was now leaving for another job as well. We thought I’d finally be able to take over. It was his and my understanding that he’d be incorporating me into his classes so I’d be teaching a section of the class at least once a week. This was supposed to happen by the end of January.
February. Nothing. A complaint is issued against me for saying the wrong thing when I thought I was in safe company. Had I not considered myself to be in a safe environment, I would never have said it. Lesson learned. I apologized to the person, felt absolutely horrible that I had hurt their feelings (very nearly cried in front of them in fact), and all was settled.
End of February. So-n-so resigned. A brand new instructor (newly hired and everything) is brought in to teach the class. She knows next to nothing about how the class is structured and does things her own way. I guess it was good but I found it pretty boring. Turns out I wasn’t the only one – the group of people (regulars who had been there from the beginning) kept asking me when I’d take over. They didn’t like this new teacher – her teaching style or her personality.
March. Nothing. No word. Just nothing. Best shape and weight of my life. And nothing.
My husband was furious. It’s not often I see him so mad. I was hurt. My friend was angry but not surprised. After 15 months I gave in to the fact that Management had no intention of letting me teach.
I had spent about 2 years training my body and mind in the hopes of becoming a group fitness instructor and perhaps a personal trainer after that. Over a year of that was spent waiting to become certified and hoping each month that it would happen.
It hurt so much to know that it was never going to happen. I canceled my membership. I had been a daily visitor for about 3 years. Why was I canceling now, they asked? I cited “personal reasons” and left it at that because I saw what Management had done to be a personal issue, not a Y issue. And I still believe that. The Y was a great place. I miss the Zumba class a lot. I loved that class. But I don’t miss it enough to pay monthly dues for one class. The whole place was tainted for me because of how Management treated me.
It still makes me want to cry. I’m still hurting.
If I wanted it enough, I could try elsewhere. I know. Screw them. I’ll go to another place. But I can’t right now. At first it just hurt. It hurt too much whenever I would consider trying it again elsewhere. I was comfortable at the Y and felt at home there. Everywhere else seemed like a terrifying prospect. Then I just got out of the habit. My routine fell apart and I haven’t been able to find it yet.
It was never my dream to become a group fitness instructor but I enjoyed exercising so much for those 3 years and I wanted to help others turn their lives around as I had.
Now I’ve lost the feeling and I don’t know how to get it back.
Great. Now I am crying. Obviously I’m still hurting a great deal. It’s not that I couldn’t complete my goal but that it was stepped on and taken lightly. It was very important to me so it’s like I was stepped on and taken lightly.
Given that I can’t seem to live the lifestyle that I preach these days, I no longer feel that I am qualified to continue this blog. I’m no longer a Fitness Freak and until I find my way back to it, I can’t say that I am.
I hope that I can turn my life around again soon, but I don’t know how long that might take. I’m doing a craptacular job of it now.
I’m going to leave this blog up in the hopes that I can get going again soon. If/When that happens, I’ll resume posting here. In the meantime, you can consider this a hiatus instead of an end.
It’s been fun and I’ve enjoyed jotting down my experiences and helping to encourage and motivate others. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I think I should for the time being. I think that’s best.
My writing blog – Writing World – is still up and running so I won’t be completely disappearing in case anyone needs/wants to contact me about anything.
Wish me luck! And I wish everyone else good luck in their endeavors whatever those might be (unless they’re illegal in which case shame on you).